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i dont get why you would want to be here...
why are you here..?
its never too late to go back.

[1/25/23]

♡..hello flutter diary...♡
i believe im doing okay tday..♡ im rly happy n stuff with the way my website is coming out, nd its soon to be finished..♡
so i suppose tday is a littl bit of a good day..♡
i had a **tny** breakdown the other day...shaking & cryng & thnkng 222 much.. ♡ and i suppose i never healed from [REDACTED] bt gdness...its been sometime now & i must get some
kndof move on wiv my life. I believe the small girl inside me still clings on to somethng tht is no longer there.. & in a way, i understand her very much...
♡...♡
though, the [REDACTED] seems to be so.....unfamiliar... i do not long for that [REDACTED] but i long for the one i used 2 know...

♡..a week ago, i had a dream i was giggling & talking to [IT]. But, then i woke up from the dream & broke down..
i dont get it. iv suffered for so long & its like..i hve to suffer even more now..?. it doesnt seem 2 be fair..im constantly haunted & i cnt even do some of the things i used 2 do..
i cnt listen 2 certain bands n songs, i cnt draw or write, gdness..i cnt evn go on tmblr... half the songs i used 2 listn 2, i jst cnt..
2 many memories resurface, nd smtmes- ill play games wiv my siblings & {{{FTVGBHNJ}}} gdness...just leave me alone..

i jst wnt 2 get a move on.. i jst want 2 forget abt it all....silly me, posted so mch online & all of tht comes bck 2 haunt me..

[1/28/23]

♡...i dnt feel well tday..
my head is always going off nto diffrnt places..i jst wna rest..forever..i dnt even remembr wht its lik 2 be 4ever happy...iv died so long ago..
n i hav an issue wiv tryng 2 get smbdy to save me bt, nbdy evr comes through.. it hurts being alone all the tme.. so i make up littl ppl in my head.. they keep me company..♡
bt i am so empty inside.. you dnt understand how lonely it gets.. evrybody has smbody.. bt nobody grls have nobody. ♡
and i see everybdy with everybody & i feel so different compared 2 them.. the voices tell me tht nobody likes me.. and they tell me i ruin everythng i touch..

iv just been vry lost these past months.. iv been tormented..♡i try not 2 let anythng get 2 me becs nobody wnts 2 destroy me more than i want to destroy myslf...♡ but gdness...
does anythng ever get better..?

[2/1/23]

im unsure of how its th first of the second month already..♡
but it doesnt rly matter.. iv been greatful cuz th voices been a lil bit quiet..♡...atleast th rly rly bad ones tht is..
i do hv rly good thngs happening for me.. & i do try to keep my spirits up despite being so melancholy..
i lik 2 write songs, doodle & evn edit when im blue... & all of tht does help in ways so...♡ atleast i cn cope a littl..
last night i cried again bt it doesnt rly matter because its nthng new.. im just hurting tht is all.. it wld be impossible 2 pinpoint the wound exactly...
& iv come 2 notice its a mix of things tht mke me sick. ....i used 2 think it was being online & posting & all tht stuff..
but i realized tht being online is more helpful than harmful.. atleast 2 me tht is..
though there is still smthng vry wrong.. i know exactly wht it is but im afraid i cnnot say..
however, im used 2 th feeling nd mixup alrdy, so th bothersomeness of tht all also went away..
if i stick 2 my littl activities & crafts.. it'll keep my head busy..♡ the voices wont be able 2 find me then..thts 4sure..

[2/6/23]

♡ Hi cyber diary ♡, today im happy & lately iv been super content evr since iv deleted my things ♡
for some reason i just..? didnt wnt it. i mde things to help cope wiv myself nd things for the fun of it nd i feel lik posting on pnterest kndof gave me
2 mch attention n i feel lik some manufactured aesthetic 2 ppl rather than an actual girl. iv noticed a few things...

  • no mtter how sweet u r, ppl r gna find a
    way to be mean
  • "what aesthetic is this?" what size coffin do u want?
  • "dollete, coquette, morute" i will gut u
  • oh, they also hv a habit of confusing me w someone else.

♡ so i got tired nd fed up nd ppl r so dum ♡ im a misanthrope now. thnks alot ♡
i wna be my own person n thngs n i dnt need ppl constantly watchng me bt ofc i couldnt leave without having fun ♡
i ws going 2 link my site ncase anyone ws genuinely curious abt the grl behind the screen ♡ but then i noticed it'll also get creepy ppls attention so..
its better 2 prnk them nstead ♡ lately iv been nthng but a little interweb troll ♡ its so mch fun ♡♡ hm. letme fix up my site a bit ♡
[2/7/23]

its fine its fine im okay im okay im safe now & no one is going to hurt me
its fine its fine im okay im okay im safe now & no one is going to hurt me
its fine its fine im okay im okay im safe now & no one is going to hurt me
its fine its fine im okay im okay im safe now & no one is going to hurt me
its fine its fine im okay im okay im safe now & no one is going to hurt me
its fine its fine im okay im okay im safe now & no one is going to hurt me
its fine its fine im okay im okay im safe now & no one is going to hurt me
its fine its fine im okay im okay im safe now & no one is going to hurt me
its fine its fine im okay im okay im safe now & no one is going to hurt me
its fine its fine im okay im okay im safe now & no one is going to hurt me

[2/10/23]

dcfvgb87y6%%%% ♡ littl bit of a backstory...♡ a few days ago i went on my *new* reddit account nd vented undr tha r/intrusivethoughts sub ♡
nd i spoke abt my thoughts nd things..♡ horribl idea really ncase any1 finds it nd im now deemed as a psychotic freak but in all honesty i dont thnk
they need a subreddit 2 find tht out about me kay? kay. Now anyways, these thoughts r violent, nd hold no boundaries or morals. Whats the worst thing u can
think of? I already thought about it several times.

  • hurting of small animals? Thought it.
  • Hurting of small children? Thought it.
  • Hurting of loved ones? Thought it.
  • Hurting of political figures and popular singers? Thought it & surprisingly i dont show regret on the political figure one.
    the point is- My mind is a constant state of hell & im trapped inside of it. send help
    However, I try not to run from them anymore but rather infact study them ♡
    Iv tried running from them. it made me paranoid of myself, of others, and it got me nowhere but breakdowns on bathroom floors.
    sometimes in order 2 be free of something, you must confront it...u must find the issue and eradicate it. and tht is what i will b doing ♡ *curtseys*

    hm now..♡ here r my discoveries so far..♡
  • they only happen at night. ♡ While sometimes they do come in the early hours/daytime- they hold no effect on me. They r the worst whenever im about 2 sleep.
  • gets super gloomy around 9:30pm (rly random hour ik..)
  • horror movies kndof seem 2 trigger it.
  • violent language also triggers it. ♡ Because of my discoveries, iv been sleeping much earlier...♡ i also dont watch horror movies. My sister likd 2 watch movies nd stuff wiv me before bed but
    id rather now just keep my tv off..
    its rlly sad but ikno tht its better this way so im not so sad &....scared..♡
    someone replied to my comment saying smthng abt intrusive thoughts being a form of OCD and Anxiety ♡ & tht made lots of sense..
    as i dont like to self diagnose with things...i do hav some kndof..."quirk" similiar 2 OCD..♡ & its so strange and dumb but
    if i dont do something a certain way- i either hate god or something bad will happen OR ill have a terrible day.
    If i dont organize my shelf a certain way? I hate god and im a satan worshipper.
    Dont fix ur hair a certain way? Congrats ur day is ruined.
    Dont pour ur coffee a certain way? Something bad is going 2 hppen.
    Lately however iv calmed down tht issue by simply ignoring them. & though its hard sometimes..paying little thought 2 them actually rly does help..



    ♡ update: after researching online..i fnk i found wht tht person was talking about....♡ iv highlighted my symptoms down below.

    ♡..infact, i even told myself if the thoughts get 2 worse & i rly cant trust myself..ill end up taking my life 4 the safety of others..
    iv attempted 2 times before. So i dont have a fear of suicide..i dont have a fear of death itself 2 be exact ♡ im not scared of much..jst scared of being a let down in gods eyes..
    ihav 2 go now ♡ i hav 2 do my homework..♡ goodbye..ill ttyl ♡
  • [2/17/23]

    ..i cldnt sleep much last night.. my thoughts hv been okay, i think i figured out how 2 handle them...im not sure ♡
    last night, i just couldnt sleep...i just had a sense of sadness inside i suppose, perhaps it could be because of my weight..?
    but for some reason i cant seem to find it in me to really care too much of it...it'll only take 2 weeks to drop it all..
    so i think iv just been taking advantage..
    though, atleast i still remain small...just not as small as i want..so im fasting today & hopefully it'll go away soon..
    ♡ but its not what u think....normal ppl wld read this entry nd think "eating disorder" & i suppose in a way i do restrict & purge & starve but...
    i believe an eating disorder is something that you cant control,...i believe with me im easily able to shut it off and turn it back on whenever i please,
    and that is why i take advantage.
    ♡ on a slightly happier note, i cant wait 4 the summertime...♡
    im going blonde tmrrw and im also rly happy abt tht 2 cuz hopefully ill look different..♡
    i dont think im unattractive, i think im just..weird, ♡ that is all

    ♡..hmm..i think ill treat myself 2 a self care day today ♡...
    ill just hv 2 do my homework first..♡ bye ♡

    [3/7/23]
    and i thought 2 myself, "i couldnt have been anymore bored..." ♡ if i spent my life trying 2 be intelligent, Id fail.
    Theres no use in trying 2 be something im not...
    perhaps i dont care too much because none of it is real. ♡
    Physically smart? Certainly not. Emotionally smart? Sure...♡ worldly smart- No... ♡ Spiritually smart- Yes ♡
    i thnk i should be allowed 2 be ditsy & dumb ♡ though being smart is admirable 2 me, ....i feel like a cat ♡
    sure, catching the mouse would be fun...but im rather lazy & the mouse does not bother me 2 much..
    Ignorant? Yes ♡ Red pilled? Yes ♡
    the rest u may assume 4 urself, & when you get the answer- Make sure 2 tell me cause i have no clue what i am ♡
    [9/19/23]
    o wow..♡ its been such a long time since iv written anything here...
    i think my greatest mistake was deleting everything...
    i put alot of love and work into this littl website only for me to destroy it out of paranoia...
    but starting from scratch again has given me a new opportunity to reinvent it..
    and im really happy with the way its turning out so far...♡
    im not the most greatest designer...but...atleast its somewhat managable..
    the only true errors on this site is my spelling. oopsie.
    however, lately...i feel as if my life is at a stand still..
    there is not much going on...anywhere.
    i have a life plan...but...its hard to do anything but lay in bed all day..
    i thought it was the home i lived in that made me so miserable..
    so i moved out and left with my dad...
    it turns out im still miserable.
    just not so alone i suppose..
    and that is a very bad thing...
    when im too cluttered around people, i end up being very mean to them.
    i believe i just need time to recharge..
    i dont mind being alone all the time. im very used to it.
    the misery doesnt come from my chronic loneliness...it comes from the voices in my head.
    i have no idea what i want to do with my life..
    so i remain very still in time.
    but i dont know which time im in..
    i am somewhere but nowhere all at once.
    the clutteredness gets to my head and givs me headaches..
    the only time i ever feel well is when im sleeping ♡
    lately my dreams have been more vivid than ever..
    however, they are also much more ...demonic. i hate that word.
    but dont worry too much, ♡ i always make it out alive..
    hmm...enough schizo talk, okay? im gna go downstairs nd make myself a sammhich. ♡
    yes its 2:11am. is that an issue?